Checkout page endless spinning

I’ve read through countless other related issues, still without success.

Any help would be _greatly appreciated_.

### Details:
* https://mombucha.com
* Valid signed cert issued by GeoTrust
* using NGINX on a Joyent SmartOS box, config seen [here](https://codeshare.io/7cCpo)
* php 5.5.26
* Stripe or PayPal gateways

#### Other conditions:
* no browser errors
* no WooCommerce System Status errors
* XMLRPC.php reads “XML-RPC server accepts POST requests only.”
* I’ve cleared _and_ disabled all caches/CDNs
* I’ve emptied browser cache and used private browsing windows
* I’ve disabled all plugins, except WooCommerce
* All plugins are up-to-date
* WP URL settings match, and are consistent throughout DB

I’m building this site pro-bono, and the owner of this business is doing a huge PR push right now and just got some kinda crowdfunded loan, so we’re getting desperate.

I’m basically beside myself looking at myself in disgust, I’ve built multiple WooCommerce sites before, and I’m a pretty experienced fronted dev w/ some sysadmin chops, and I’m still unable to get this working…

# Who wants to be a hero??

https://www.ads-software.com/plugins/woocommerce/