Sigh, don’t assume your /etc/apache2/apache2.conf file’s override is set to allow. Even though your brain explicitly remembers setting it, it lies.
Anyone running into this problem, my particular case was solved by correcting this section of /etc/apache2/apache2.conf
<Directory /var/www/>
Options Indexes FollowSymLinks
AllowOverride All
Require all granted
</Directory>
AllowOverride was set to None